Wind (Haiku by Swati)

Wind

Misty Merriment
Rallying rain, fire, dust, air
Elements unite

If I were an animal who would I be by Swati

Date: 22nd June 2011
Assumptions: 60% sea snake; 10% coyote; 10% horse; 10% hawk; 10% dove

Because ....

I possess the faults and joys of a sea snake such as ambition and control,
But there is a humor in me like a coyote.
And like you wise old horse my stubborn strength gets what I want done, done.
Like brother hawk red I seek the truth making it hard for lies to enter my head.
Things of beauty and love touch my heart like a dove.

Mirage by Swati (Summer 2011)

This is written by Swati on her recent travels to Gobi desert in China
-----
Of all my yearning, and traveling wide,
An oasis, in this desert so hot and dry.
But in my mind I knew all was not right,
For it was a mirage, prank monster of light.

Arboretum Day care vs. Stanford construction

This whole Arboretum issue is just giving me sleepless nights. Just to give you some context. There is this daycare at Stanford next to a hospital and opposite Stanford Mall. Suddenly one day all parents are informed that Stanford will start massive construction right next to the day care site and would also take away some of the land that this day care is built on in a month's time. The worklife office knew all along that this has been in the pipleine but they conveniently forgot to tell parents about it.

This is the second night in a row when I am unable to sleep and the thoughts of what would happen to my kid is making me anxious and causing me great mental stress and is also affecting my performance at work.

I paid so much for this day care and not picked some random home care because I wanted to make sure the place where i send my kid to is secure, safe, and nurturing. I keep getting this emails about what other day cares are in the area and how CCLC will waive my notice fee etc. Does anyone take in account how much time it takes to call a place, schedule a visit, put your child on a wait list, and then go on a tour. I am left at the mercy of other people to try to somehow accommodate me and my kid in their system. It seems I almost have no choice - either I accept what ever I am offered or risk my job. All the wonderful things that we talk about in child development about kids environment, their development requirements, their sensitivities are suddenly out of window.

My son also goes to Bing for 2 half days and during my first tour at Bing long time back I was told about the design philosophy of how the creator of Bing looked everything from kids perspective in creating the yards, planting the trees, class room lay outs etc. Ironically Bing is run by Stanford too. And now suddenly another association at Stanford is kind of telling me that it is so easy to relocate everything and move kids back and forth. Whether the kids can express themselves or not they are much more sensitive than adults. How this is going to affect their psychology? Has anyone thought about this?

Another question if something happens to my mental state, or my job, or to my kid who is going to be responsible?

I called worklife office at Stanford and they have been understanding and also apologized to me but it is not about apology and it is not directed at one person but at the system who decided to take every child and their family so for granted in this whole process. I am not looking for an apology as that does not solve anything for me. I need resolution - A resolution that satisfies my constraints.

O Trickster Light by Swati Goel

Of all my yearning and travelling wide,

An oasis in this desert so hot and dry.

But in my mind I knew that all was not right,

For it was a mirage, prank master of light.

Confessions of a mind

I am starting this post and I will be continually be adding to it. The reason for this post is to just clear my mind out by writing it loud the conflicts between my heart and mind. Those conflicts arise because I am a professional, wife, mom, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, friend, and many more at a given time. And though I sincerely believe in Geeta's principle of that you can only do your best effort however you have no control of the outcome of that effort. However as a human it is hard to detach yourself from all the worldly things. No matter how much you clear your mind it is always conflicted between the expectations other have from you and what you have from yourself. What you desire and what is given to you?

You are always expected to understand the other person's desires, needs, expectations and must behave accordingly however is anyone out there thinking the same about you. People except you to be not judge-mental about them however they are always judging you.

The only way I bring myself in is by reminding myself that whatever I am doing is for my own sake - I want to have my conscious clear. I should not ever look back at past and feel guilty about my actions. However, to constantly remind yourself is such a hard thing to do.

---

As a child I always wondered why it is so difficult to make a relationship work. My mom dad never got along for various reasons. And in my mind they both were usual folks and individually nice. I would hear my mom's frustrations and at times I would also hear what my dad used to say. And it was not just between them. The relationships between my different aunts and uncles, friends, and all other extended family had this dynamics which I could never understand. And as I got older I realized that it was not just my family it was all around. I wondered why people are so strange. Why can't small things work? And I would remind myself that I would not ever let this happen in any of my relationships. Now having lived through half of my life I am exactly going through the same phase in my life. I want friends but then I have no friends when I really need them. I have a family but they just casually shrug off when I try to seek out to them - may be because they are sick and tired of my eccentricities. I have a husband who is never there because he has way too many things on his plate. In a nutshell I am most of the times lonely as hell. And I think finally I am loosing it.

Quest for a jeans (not so perfect)

One must wonder how hard it is to find a pair of jeans that fit you well and is in the right color. Not at all right? Just sitting without thinking I can think of 10 brands where I can find a jeans. However to find one that flatters you is extremely tough. If I had a perfect figure then I guess won't be writing this. So let me rewrite this if you are one of those people who unfortunately do not have the right curves it is extremely difficult - in fact rather depressing. Today I must have tried at least 20 pair of jeans from every damn brand still I could only find one which I was not unhappy with. So two options - either work hard and tone up or forget about looking good in jeans.