O Trickster Light by Swati Goel

Of all my yearning and travelling wide,

An oasis in this desert so hot and dry.

But in my mind I knew that all was not right,

For it was a mirage, prank master of light.

Confessions of a mind

I am starting this post and I will be continually be adding to it. The reason for this post is to just clear my mind out by writing it loud the conflicts between my heart and mind. Those conflicts arise because I am a professional, wife, mom, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, friend, and many more at a given time. And though I sincerely believe in Geeta's principle of that you can only do your best effort however you have no control of the outcome of that effort. However as a human it is hard to detach yourself from all the worldly things. No matter how much you clear your mind it is always conflicted between the expectations other have from you and what you have from yourself. What you desire and what is given to you?

You are always expected to understand the other person's desires, needs, expectations and must behave accordingly however is anyone out there thinking the same about you. People except you to be not judge-mental about them however they are always judging you.

The only way I bring myself in is by reminding myself that whatever I am doing is for my own sake - I want to have my conscious clear. I should not ever look back at past and feel guilty about my actions. However, to constantly remind yourself is such a hard thing to do.

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As a child I always wondered why it is so difficult to make a relationship work. My mom dad never got along for various reasons. And in my mind they both were usual folks and individually nice. I would hear my mom's frustrations and at times I would also hear what my dad used to say. And it was not just between them. The relationships between my different aunts and uncles, friends, and all other extended family had this dynamics which I could never understand. And as I got older I realized that it was not just my family it was all around. I wondered why people are so strange. Why can't small things work? And I would remind myself that I would not ever let this happen in any of my relationships. Now having lived through half of my life I am exactly going through the same phase in my life. I want friends but then I have no friends when I really need them. I have a family but they just casually shrug off when I try to seek out to them - may be because they are sick and tired of my eccentricities. I have a husband who is never there because he has way too many things on his plate. In a nutshell I am most of the times lonely as hell. And I think finally I am loosing it.